8

If there was a moment
Where all you ever wanted
Existed

But you didn’t take it
For whatever reason
What does that make life?
How often do those moments slip away?
What could have been?

To wonder in its beauty.
It would have been everything.

Cool like that

Refrigerator, refrigerator, fridge.

Mistake

I do not belong in the first house that I ever bought. That I still own. The moments that I am there are always painful. By far the room that I dread walking into the most is my bedroom. On my dresser remains a stack of my books, lotions, CDs, photos. There are still a couple drawers of my belongings that I haven’t taken. He keeps clothes piled up on the side of the bed that I used to sleep.

I had notes that I wrote in my dresser. I see a page on top of the television. It’s the TV that I bought from a roommate before she moved away. I wonder why this piece of paper is there and I make the mistake of looking at it. It’s not one that I wrote.

It’s a love note that he wrote to her when she was here in this bedroom. At the same time that my children were here. All under one roof. In the house that is mine that I am not welcome in. And it hurts. But it doesn’t hurt for all the reasons that one might expect. Truthfully those feelings are there but I have faced them and I have moved on. I don’t want to live here with him. I don’t want him.

The reason it cuts through me is because this is not the man that I even knew. He never wrote love letters. I wasn’t worth it to him. The love that I always wanted, that I was never given, is here in my bedroom. This room was just never meant for me.

In seclusion

My love,
I can attempt to distract myself
But I know I am transparent.
Bury myself
Into a foray of aimlessly engaging
Still, my only focus is you.
A stolen glance
Returned.
Clueless to what you are thinking
Everything left unspoken
Insatiably denied.
This wall shelters me
From being crushed
By the weight of your rejection
Leaving me longing
For you to hold me close
Succumbing to this fate
In knowing
I’ll be waiting endlessly
For something that will never be.

Caution

Bipolar bouncing from love to hate
Settling into the gray.
Time advances forward... frozen over.
Living in opposites
Stop. Go. Crawl away
With a band-aid covered broken heart
That has no regard for what I think.
Clinging to every little sign
And despising myself for it
Coincidence. I try to convince myself
Wanting otherwise doesn't make it so.
Embrace the things I love
Sipping coffee
Pink bubblegum lip gloss
The warm breeze on a beautiful day
A favourite new song on repeat
Every moment with my girls.
Sudden rage rushes in to devour me
Before I slip back into the aching sadness
So tired of feeling broken
Then overwhelmed with anger again.
I wonder if things will change
Why fate hasn't stepped in
Or have I blocked it
Too afraid the next wave of pain will be too much for me.
Red. Green. Yellow

Haunted Heart

Layers of dust
Cover each chamber
Rhythmic pounding
Faintly echoes on
Pushing through
Invasive thoughts
That keeps the blood warm
The weight of a thousand blankets
Rest upon
The love in my haunted heart.

Roaming through me
Sending tidal waves that steal my breath
My sweet ghost fills the space
More than any other soul
Suffocating the others
With no signs of vacating
Pervading
Remaining
Forever in my haunted heart.

Perseverance and sorrow

Self-serving, overbearing and toxic.

The disease takes hold and sabotages all that was once good. When I didn’t suspect anything she crept in to suppress without regard. How quickly it spread. Indeed I am in awe of the evil weight it possesses. Now I fear that nothing can fix these cells. Even cut out and removed, the damage cannot be reversed. It is too late.

Luckily, or not, it is not fatal. I have to live through this. It’s not getting easier. I know it won’t get easier. I greet the hungry malady with a smile because how else do I deal? Anger does not change a thing. Denial gives it authority. Accepting is defeat.

There is no solution but the questions have all been answered.