My love,
I can attempt to distract myself
But I know I am transparent.
Bury myself
Into a foray of aimlessly engaging
Still, my only focus is you.
A stolen glance
Returned.
Clueless to what you are thinking
Everything left unspoken
Insatiably denied.
This wall shelters me
From being crushed
By the weight of your rejection
Leaving me longing
For you to hold me close
Succumbing to this fate
In knowing
I’ll be waiting endlessly
For something that will never be.
Layers of dust
Cover each chamber
Rhythmic pounding
Faintly echoes on
Pushing through
Invasive thoughts
That keeps the blood warm
The weight of a thousand blankets
Rest upon
The love in my haunted heart.
Roaming through me
Sending tidal waves that steal my breath
My sweet ghost fills the space
More than any other soul
Suffocating the others
With no signs of vacating
Pervading
Remaining
Forever in my haunted heart.
At a standstill
on the sidelines.
Biding my time
Feels like wasting each day.
Erase what I know
when everything's amiss.
Tumbling in circles,
Repeat...
Diving in.
The world is mine.
(vacantly numb)
Under the daylight moon, a stream of confusion, nothing is this bright. The expanding blueness stretches out to offer hope, a false sense of safe. Under the daylight moon comes a hint that the night will fall upon us. Scatter and shuffle to finish before the soft comforts embrace the depleted.
I am not scared of the dark.
The daylight moon transmits the cue for the noise to lull.
The multitude of distress to dissipate. Just a little further away, it is always there.
Waiting.
Reason.
There is no winning with her.
Her hands tied behind her back
Still she has the upper advantage.
My hands are tied.
Bound.
With stern necessity she carries her song.
Sweetly, like an angel, singing of truth
Wisdom echoes, ringing clear.
My heart argues to no avail.
She won’t have any of it.
Yet Reason can’t make it stop.
My heart swells and swoons.
It bursts.
It breaks.
With Reason ridiculing every beat.
And if you were to hold me in your arms,
Safe
Reason would all but disappear.
The small oval window holds my interest. I am absorbed.
The world is cold… frozen. The sky is empty.
Below there are vast squares and circles in shades of earth brown.
I long for another helping of clouds to admire.
Their softness spreads a blanket of sweetness and comfort.
Entranced by white fluffy mounds with peaks of blue like cotton candy meringue.
Consumed with the grand idea of jumping onto the pillow to rest my head on a cloud. The reality of falling through removed. The clouds are safe.
I dream in the pink glow from the west.
The sun slips away.
Descending into opaque darkness.
Home.
Sure I am still beating myself up about being a failure and yet I am singing in the bathroom, because that's how I roll. I am looking forward to being done with diapers. Potty on my friends...
There is so much
that is right in the world,
But there is too much that is wrong.
I need to search for beauty
To lose myself in song.
I am adequately grateful
for the things within my reach
Yet I'm caught up
in longing for more.
While an abundance
could bring brief smiles,
I think this heavy blanket
would still be hard to shake.
With 131 feeds and 111 subscriptions, I am very likely reading your blog. It's a case of too much reading and not enough commenting. I will work on this. Pinky swear. If only I could buy time. I can't bring myself to unsubscribe to anyone. Do you edit your reading list regulary? Mine keep growing and growing probably until my head explodes.
If I ever get around to it, next up is why good marriages end. A thinky post that is too hard to come up with when your brain is completely turned off. Surely three sentences should not be such torture for you and me.
There are days when I feel distraught with negative energy. I imagine myself crouched over, slowly turning my head. My eyes become wild shooting rays of death and I want to scream. SCREAM so loud that you could hear me across the ocean.
There is nothing so wrong or bad that is causing me to feel this way. It's not one thing. Rather it is every little thing piling on top Jenga style, with people pulling out loose slivers until I come tumbling down. In pieces.
I deem myself a worthless parent. Why is it that every day I am bombarded by pictures of Angelina and Brad in route with Maddox to and from school? I don't have the luxury of being able to pick up my daughter from school. I don't get to ask her about the fun things that she did in those three hours while it is still fresh in her mind and exciting to her.
Daycare asked my husband if it's okay for them to phase out Strawberry's naps. He agreed but then he let her sleep in the early evening hours before I got home from work. I should rephrase that because "let her sleep" actually means cannot wake her because she is completely exhausted. So the evil off cycle continues where she goes to sleep later and cannot wake up in the morning. She loses her mind and I practically have to rip her pajamas off her body. I beg, plead, demand that she get dressed while I have the same fight with her toddler sister. Everyone's crying. This has got to get easier.
A weight so heavy
My stomach is tied in knots.
Me. Monster Mommy.
Sometimes I worry that my blog is turning into an inside joke that only I'm in on, but I'm laughing too hard to notice.
They change into a bright T-shirt.
Twenty four excited matching senior preschoolers.
Buzzing!
Backpacks, water bottles, sunscreen, hats,
Away they go.
They are ready for an adventure.
Beaming!
The anticipation has been building for days.
