Return to sender

Words are not my friend. Sleep is not my friend. It seems I find myself giving comfort to those who I think might need it yet I feel empty. Dried up. I am but a shell of who I once was. I used to like her but times got tough and I went MIA. There are days that I'll make a brief appearance but then gone again. All that's left is an unknown girl hiding behind this half smile and glossed over eyes. Do they see it? How transparent am I? Shake it off. Things will get worse. Oh good, something to look forward to…

I am searching for hope in faraway wishes. It’s a waste of concentration on energy that could be better spent. I long for a little piece of myself to return so that I can escape. Down. down. drowned.

Pudding

Tonight I sit at the old desktop because the laptop is afflicted with viruses. Much like my life.

I’m surrounded by clutter. I wish nothing more than to dispose of it all. I am not clinging to any sentimental attachment. Much like my life.

These words make their way onto my computer screen and I suppose they come across as dismal but that is not the page that I am on.

I have come to feel like powder. I am reduced to sugar crystals being poured into boiling water. At first I felt like I was dissolving into nothing but then I made the realization that I am evolving.

Perfect songs fill my headphones. It’s late and the music is loud. I keep feeling the presence of someone walking towards me but I am alone with the children sleeping in the next room.

I flip from window to window. I am trying not to read into everything and failing. If it is hard for me to make heads or tails, how can I expect someone removed to understand? Right now there is comfort in the open-ended questions. I think I have what I need and I will take it.

The song will play again. The clutter will dissipate. I will be anew.

In the clouds

The small oval window holds my interest. I am absorbed.
The world is cold… frozen. The sky is empty.
Below there are vast squares and circles in shades of earth brown.
I long for another helping of clouds to admire.
Their softness spreads a blanket of sweetness and comfort.
Entranced by white fluffy mounds with peaks of blue like cotton candy meringue.
Consumed with the grand idea of jumping onto the pillow to rest my head on a cloud. The reality of falling through removed. The clouds are safe.
I dream in the pink glow from the west.
The sun slips away.
Descending into opaque darkness.
Home.

Drunk blogging

I found beauty in the tossed out brown, 70's couch, missing cushions, that was strewn across the sidewalk.

I looked across the street and smiled at the cheesy snowman lights that brightly lit up the second floor window.

I followed the giddy couple walking hand in hand in front of me.

The cold, night air nipped at my cheeks.

I quickly rushed home after one too many pints.

The conversation fresh in my mind with some of the bestest friends one could ever ask for.

'Tis the season!

Circled in red

F is the worst letter of the alphabet. F is bad. We learn at a very young age to avoid it at all costs. It is creeping up and is dangling over me. I feel it.

Failure.

I can’t seem to please anyone in my life. If I can’t make anyone else happy, the idea of pleasing me becomes a foreign concept.

Lists, lists, lists… with nothing crossed off. I’m shutting down and not functioning. This is all rather boring. I turn to music to fill up my soul and clear the thoughts. I’m driving my car with the music loud. Angry at the world… Angry at myself…

There is not one thing that I am doing right. Maybe I’m setting myself up for disaster. Nightmares even haunt me while I break from the conscious. Writing this is admitting defeat and waving the white flag. It makes me more depressed.

Kittenpie once told me that I don’t write about personal information and she’s right because this is the direction that would lead me. I don’t want to come off sounding like oh woe is me. Plus I’m too incoherent because I’m too overwhelmed to go into detail. I think it is mind-numbing. Everything is wrong but nothing is wrong. I think I write this same post once a year.

I just want a break from the lists and have some focus on what I’m really supposed to be doing to be happy and content. That is so far off that I just cannot see it. Life shouldn’t be wasted under this heaviness.

I hang on tight, going in circles, feeling motion sickness from the ups and downs. The ride is too short. Is this all there is?

In the Heat of the Day

I was on edge.

She had her bathing suit on and it was already sweltering. She was exceedingly quiet as she sat in the backseat probably daydreaming about a day at the beach. I know that I would prefer the sand in my toes with the scent of sunscreen heavy in the air.

That was not meant to be. I was going to spend another day cooped up with the air conditioner blasting beside me. If I were lucky I wouldn’t have to turn my space heater on.

At my desk I took a sip of my coffee and my thoughts drifted back to her.

I should have opened the window just a crack. The car was only a half a block away in the hot garage. At least it was out of direct sunlight.

I imagined an innocent bystander walking by. They might glance in and rush to call the authorities. The humidex made the 31 degrees Celsius high feel more like a scorching 40!

Almost ten hours had passed. I emerged out of the office and immediately felt a blast of warm air wash over me. I was thankful that the summer sun had not yet set even though I had worked late. Deadlines loom over me and I can see my vacation days verging on the horizon.

My steps were quick as I approached her waiting patiently in the car. I raced down two flights to find her in the backseat. She looked so small in the car seat that is way too big for her.

Thankfully Alexandra is smiling. Her day was less stressful than mine.

The Contract of Marriage

Bavarian politician, Gabriele Pauli, proposed that marriages should expire after seven years. At first when I read the headline in the newspaper I scoffed at the absurdity. While this theory does promote the idea of divorce, I think there might be a secret to happiness that lies within it.

She suggested that after seven years couples should agree to extend their marriage or it should automatically dissolve. This concept actually makes sense to me. Most people would consider indefinite legal contracts to be unfair and unreasonable. Looking at marriage like it is just a contract is dreary. However knowing a decision has to be made in seven years would encourage couples to keep the romance alive. It might make people work harder at maintaining a good relationship.

The institution of marriage has received the reputation of being like a prison with your spouse being your ball and chain. Commitment phobia is a well-known phenomenon. The 'M' word was forbidden from my language during my twenties.

Traditionalists would oppose this concept but if the government worked in a tax break for couples that renewed their marriage contract then it would further encourage long term marriages.

If nothing else there would certainly be more parties!

Nineteen more months?

Altered

This past month I started sharing on Google Reader. It has enabled me to be in complete awe at the sheer volume of perfect posts that are out there. Lisa b's post "Different" brought me back to December 20, 2002.

It was the Friday before Christmas. I was home early that day when the phone rang. It is crazy how your life can change simply by answering the phone. It was my doctor saying that there were some indicators in my test results warning that my pregnancy was abnormal. Being that I was 19 weeks along we would be rushed into genetic counseling.

On Christmas Eve we sat in the same building as Lisa where we were told frightening numbers. The odds that our first child would have Trisomy 18 were not good. Due to the fact that only a small percentage of babies survive the full term and then typically only live a few days, the counselor explained how we could terminate the pregnancy. I left scared, confused, discouraged and feeling all alone.

I remember walking though my neighbourhood. The houses were all lit up with twinkling lights while I felt pregnantly empty. I was completely disconnected with everyone and everything. We immediately scheduled an amnio to confirm if the ultrasound and the blood work were correct. That January was the longest month of my life. The next altering phone call came on January 30th when we were given the all clear.

Lisa's description of her own Different experience is chilling. She is a strong woman and I admire her deeply.

Please visit Petroville and Suburban Turmoil for all of September's Perfect Posts.

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You may have noticed that I'm going pink!

This month I'm turning this blog pink. I'll be educating myself regarding issues related to breast cancer. Stay tuned as I increase awareness and uncover some interesting information.

A Climate in Crisis

The environment is a hot button issue and it seems that everyone is talking about it yet I don't feel educated enough on the topic. Why do I feel like I know so little? Does turning off the lights when I leave a room do enough to reverse all the damage that has been done to the Earth?

It's become cool to be green. Celebrities are getting in on the action. Just this past weekend Live Earth helped raise awareness. These concerts encouraged us to do little things in our daily life to help our environment. I learned that I should be unplugging my cell phone charger when I am not using it. Previously I thought that it only was using energy when I plugged my phone into it.

The Industrial Revolution changed the way we live. Daily life from a hundred years ago has changed drastically. The population grew. Culture changed. The Me generation felt a sense of entitlement. Society consumed and everyone seemed to be in on a materialistic race with the pursuit of leisure. We have joined the fast lane, in search of convenience and too often our society goes the disposable route.

What we didn't realize is that we've been at war with Mother Nature. We are poisoning her. Sure she retaliates by unleashing bigger storms but we are killing her. With us winning this unknowing war, we all lose.

How is this going to affect us? What's going to happen to the earth because of how we have been living? What is it going to take to reverse the damage? Is this even a reality? Do we have a one way ticket for destruction? I want real answers. I decided to rent An Inconvenient Truth to try to educate myself with some facts.

* 10 of the hottest years on record have all been within the last 14 years, with 2005 being the hottest.

* The world has been inflicted with 30 new diseases in the last quarter century.

* Stronger and more Hurricanes, Cyclones and Typhoons have been reported within the last thirty years.

* With the loss of shelf ice in Greenland and Antarctica, global sea levels could rise by 20 feet causing 100 million people along coastlines to be displaced.

* More than a million species could be driven to extinction by 2050.

What things should I be doing? Can we educate ourselves to live better to effect real change? What kind of legacy are we leaving if the gradual changes do not get us to react?

There are more questions than answers here and that is why I propose that this be the issue that we band together and try to make real change. We need to now before the consequences of our actions are worse. Every day more carbon dioxide is added to our environment. This is the world we share. Let's hope. Let's act.

Overcast

It's a gray dreary day. Clouds have crept into my mind. Words feel larger than I could possibly comprehend. Life, love, pain and happiness are beyond my grasp of understanding. I feel limited in my own skin. How I wish that I could be someone else for a short while. To know what those words mean in other situations with other people. I am enchanted by strangers. Everything that I know is not enough. I want more. I want different. Don't get me wrong. I am happy being me. I have a fairly easy, good life but this is a fascination that I know I cannot satisfy. To see the world through new eyes would be an astounding discovery. On days like this I feel trapped and incomplete. My only escape is to dream. Crawl under the duvet and wake up tomorrow when the sun comes out.

The Power in a PDA

Drama.

I crave it. I hunt it down and drag it back to our doorsteps. On occasion I may even create it. It makes life an interesting adventure. As a spectator, watching drama unfold fills me with glee.

It's likely human nature that I take delight in the fortune and even misfortune of others.

When someone achieves success people are eager to see them fall off their pedestal. We can't help but tune into train wrecks. It's easy to want someone who is larger than life to have to endure some adversity. Most people know that celebrity gossip is blown out of proportion just to make a good headline.

When we catch a glimpse of real tragedy, it can be hard to look away. It serves as a reminder to thank the stars that it's not me. I am lucky.

There is even more power in a feel good moment. These are times that my heart feels lighter and a smile will grace my lips by witnessing happiness in a stranger. A child hugging his mother; lovers embraced in a passionate kiss; a group of friend's laughter that draws our attention.

I devour novels weeping real tears for people that exist only on paper. In the theatre I cheer for heartthrobs on their quest to find love or save humanity. Hollywood knows our weakness for drama and is constantly churning out billions to keep us lining up for another serving.

We rented Trust The Man. While it does have plenty of laugh out loud moments it was so apparent to me that this story of relationship troubles was written by a man. Writer/Director Bart Freundlich comes up slightly short as he does not leave me trusting anyone. Tom (David Duchovny) is a bored, stay at home dad in need of more sex. While his brother in law Tobey (Billy Crudup) has commitment issues. It could have been a really smart movie had they not relied heavily on a rather cheesy happy ever after ending. Both guys end up using the three magic words in a public setting to win back their hearts desire.

Yes I believe that women do love hearing the phrase "I love you." As I obviously adore public displays of affection, I would gawk and gush to be a bystander of a marriage proposal. However I do not find it believable that a strong woman would forget all their relationship history with a simple public declaration of love. I don't think it is easy to kick the man that you love to the curb even if he did break your heart. It gives a false illusion that women are suckers for grand gestures. No matter what goes wrong in your relationship, she will take you back if you boldly play the Love Card in front of strangers. I'm sorry guys but that is not your get out of jail free ticket. It will cost a whole lot more than two hundred dollars as you pass Go!

Even though I have slightly spoiled the ending, I still recommend viewing this movie. I may even buy it because I could spend 103 minutes over and over with the delicious Billy Crudup.

Irrational Fears

For as long as I can remember I have held on to fears that are so deeply rooted that I have come to believe that they must be carried forward from another lifetime.

It gives me the willies when I touch the insides of my own wrists. My over active imagination places morbid visuals of a faceless former version of myself lying in a bathtub filled with blood red water. It is a scene of great sadness.

As a teenager, I had a strong aversion to learning to drive. At the bold age of sixteen, teenagers are anxious to gain independence and freedom. That sweet sixteen birthday taunted me with the pressure of attaining a driver’s license. My dad had promised me that I could take any car off his lot. He owned a Honda dealership at the time. I froze with fear as I was haunted by another distressing image.

In it I am crying while driving down a deserted highway. On top of the tears blurring my vision is the rain beating down on the windshield of my powder blue car. There is a bridge and then only fuzziness.

I held onto this visual as a safety blanket. Whether I made the whole thing up or not, it was the reason I could avoid pursuing my own driver’s license. No doubt my friends thought I was eccentric when I told them about remembering past life experiences. I was convinced that these deaths were traumatic enough to leave an imprint on my current state of being.

Three years later I gave in to the demand of needing to drive in Saskatchewan where there was no reliable form of public transportation. I tucked away that picture of a lonely, dark night in a powder blue car even though I still have a looming fear of accidents. My defensive driving skills are likely the result of carrying this irrational fear.

My Perfect Post award goes to a writer that I could easily honor every month. She spins her tales with ease while painting the scenes of her life so vividly that it often takes my breath away. In her post A Place To Hide, Sandra describes the solace she found in a robin's egg blue car in her uncle's wrecking yard. For a moment my unfounded fears vanished as I felt a strange connection to the tears that her 11-year-old self shed in that robin's egg blue car. Maybe my heart had been aching for my future friend.

Be sure to visit MommaK and Lindsay to find a list of all the March award winners.