Caution

Bipolar bouncing from love to hate
Settling into the gray.
Time advances forward... frozen over.
Living in opposites
Stop. Go. Crawl away
With a band-aid covered broken heart
That has no regard for what I think.
Clinging to every little sign
And despising myself for it
Coincidence. I try to convince myself
Wanting otherwise doesn't make it so.
Embrace the things I love
Sipping coffee
Pink bubblegum lip gloss
The warm breeze on a beautiful day
A favourite new song on repeat
Every moment with my girls.
Sudden rage rushes in to devour me
Before I slip back into the aching sadness
So tired of feeling broken
Then overwhelmed with anger again.
I wonder if things will change
Why fate hasn't stepped in
Or have I blocked it
Too afraid the next wave of pain will be too much for me.
Red. Green. Yellow

Haunted Heart

Layers of dust
Cover each chamber
Rhythmic pounding
Faintly echoes on
Pushing through
Invasive thoughts
That keeps the blood warm
The weight of a thousand blankets
Rest upon
The love in my haunted heart.

Roaming through me
Sending tidal waves that steal my breath
My sweet ghost fills the space
More than any other soul
Suffocating the others
With no signs of vacating
Pervading
Remaining
Forever in my haunted heart.

Perseverance and sorrow

Self-serving, overbearing and toxic.

The disease takes hold and sabotages all that was once good. When I didn’t suspect anything she crept in to suppress without regard. How quickly it spread. Indeed I am in awe of the evil weight it possesses. Now I fear that nothing can fix these cells. Even cut out and removed, the damage cannot be reversed. It is too late.

Luckily, or not, it is not fatal. I have to live through this. It’s not getting easier. I know it won’t get easier. I greet the hungry malady with a smile because how else do I deal? Anger does not change a thing. Denial gives it authority. Accepting is defeat.

There is no solution but the questions have all been answered.

Foreshadow

At a standstill
on the sidelines.
Biding my time
Feels like wasting each day.
Erase what I know
when everything's amiss.
Tumbling in circles,

Repeat...

Diving in.
The world is mine.
(vacantly numb)

Bendis

Under the daylight moon, a stream of confusion, nothing is this bright. The expanding blueness stretches out to offer hope, a false sense of safe. Under the daylight moon comes a hint that the night will fall upon us. Scatter and shuffle to finish before the soft comforts embrace the depleted.
I am not scared of the dark.
The daylight moon transmits the cue for the noise to lull.
The multitude of distress to dissipate. Just a little further away, it is always there.

Waiting.

wading...

Wordless Wednesday
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Pour

Three fingertip bruises contradict the words that shattered my heart.

It wasn’t hard falling for you. I felt drawn in. The force of that pull was more than I could have imagined. And you were always there. With each word, I grew stronger and pinned my hopes a little higher. I felt connected on every level, sharing so many of the same ideals and values.

Maybe I was just a place holder that was filling your need for attention through the wires. Maybe I built meaning into things that were never there.

We were always closer when we were further apart. The moments that brought us together, you tended to shy away. I should have used that to open my eyes to the truth. Except something was different in March. The way that you looked at me, my soul felt exposed.

I wanted more and I needed it to be real. I needed this to be different than my history. To know that it is not is a little more than I can endure. I can’t keep giving my heart to those that don’t want it. So now I will take the sturdiest of bricks and create a fortress. I’m going to lock myself in there because I can’t allow for me to continue on this way.