Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Circled in red

F is the worst letter of the alphabet. F is bad. We learn at a very young age to avoid it at all costs. It is creeping up and is dangling over me. I feel it.

Failure.

I can’t seem to please anyone in my life. If I can’t make anyone else happy, the idea of pleasing me becomes a foreign concept.

Lists, lists, lists… with nothing crossed off. I’m shutting down and not functioning. This is all rather boring. I turn to music to fill up my soul and clear the thoughts. I’m driving my car with the music loud. Angry at the world… Angry at myself…

There is not one thing that I am doing right. Maybe I’m setting myself up for disaster. Nightmares even haunt me while I break from the conscious. Writing this is admitting defeat and waving the white flag. It makes me more depressed.

Kittenpie once told me that I don’t write about personal information and she’s right because this is the direction that would lead me. I don’t want to come off sounding like oh woe is me. Plus I’m too incoherent because I’m too overwhelmed to go into detail. I think it is mind-numbing. Everything is wrong but nothing is wrong. I think I write this same post once a year.

I just want a break from the lists and have some focus on what I’m really supposed to be doing to be happy and content. That is so far off that I just cannot see it. Life shouldn’t be wasted under this heaviness.

I hang on tight, going in circles, feeling motion sickness from the ups and downs. The ride is too short. Is this all there is?

11 Singing the blues:

Mouse said...

I've been feeling a lot this way, and it's keeping me from writing much. I went to the acupuncturist today, and he said, "You're feeling indecisive about something, aren't you?" So he stuck me with needles and now I feel slightly better. No decisions made, no movement where needed, but I feel like I can ignore it for another day now.

nonlineargirl said...

I am sorry you are feeling this way. In Judiasm, this week marks the new year, a time to look back and the past and then let it go. I give you (on behalf of the universe, because we are tight like that) permission to let go of the heaviness. Start anew.

kittenpie said...

Oh, honey. I'm sorry you're going through one of those times. It sucks, and it can be hard to shake sometimes without some big getaway. Can we get together some time, or would that be another chore? Will give you a big hug on Sunday...

metro mama said...

I've been thinking about you. I've meant to email so many times.

Is there anything I can do?

Can't wait to see you Sunday.

No Mother Earth said...

I don't think "oh woe is me at all". I appreciate the truth, and the knowledge that I'm not alone in these feelings. I'm around if you want to talk live and in person.

Ms. Porter said...

I wish I couldn't relate but I sure can. What gives? I think the season change is a tough one but that's not all that's messing with me. I don't want life to feel this difficult.

Kyla said...

Not woe is me. Feel it and move through it. Talk about it. We're here as always.

sam {temptingmama} said...

*hugs* friend! You know we love you and we're here for you! Ever need to chat, just email me and I'm all yours!

Sandra said...

I understand this so much more than you know. These could have been my words. You are such a dear friend and the F word is the last one that I'd ever use to describe you unless we were talking about "F*cking Awesome".

I am here for you whenever wherever you need it.

Looking forward to seeing you soon
xo

crazymumma said...

I am so glad you wrote this post, we all need to let it out. reprint it every fucking day if you want because so many of us get it you know?

But I throw this hat into ring because I am just learning to wear it myself. Why on earth do we need to satisfy everyone else? And in that I include children. We cannot always please others. it is humanely impossible.

we need a zombie queen night out.

B said...

I'm with S. The other F word I think of is 'Fantastic'
look at that photo. That is what is all about.