Thursday, June 08, 2006

Mama has a headache

Besides cluttering the livingroom, our lives have become over run by children's toys. The supposed sign of a good toy is clearly measured by how much noise it can make. They all require batteries, but Colin really loses his mind when they require three batteries. He knows the toy manufacturers are in cahoots with the Energizer bunny. The sad sound of a toy that's desperate for a new battery is almost too much to handle.

We have been known to put tape over top of the speakers to muffle the noise factor. Why would a child need all their toys to be that loud? It can't be good for their new little ears. It's not like they have attended too many rock concerts and need us to turn up the volume on their singing doll. It may be set to extreme loudness only to be heard over top of the other toy with the bells and whistles next to it. Winnie the Pooh and Curious George are having a sound off.

If you have no children and need to buy a toy as a gift, it is best to choose something quiet. Books, Groovy Girls, Hot Wheels, stuffed animals, blocks and balls are still fun. Their parents will thank you!


Thirteen noisy toys designed for stock in Advil.

1. Dora's Mini Van. I have never been able to look or listen to this toy the same, since one fine day last summer at the cottage. Auntie Rojo and her friends laughed their asses off at their own interpretation of Dora's words. "Hootie's Ass" giggles... "Hootie's Ass" giggles... "Hootie's Ass" yet another round of giggles... Yo Rojo, if karma is a bitch, you will find this in your house within the next decade.

2. Sing if you squeeze me Elmo. "Elmo loves you, Elmo loves you. Yes he does. Yes he does. Give him a big hug. Throw him out the window. La la la. La la la."

3. Luigi from Cars. This cute, yellow, Italian car makes six sounds like "Hey" and "Ouch" every time you pick him up, move him or drop him. Or pelt him across the room.

4. LeapFrog's Word Whammer™ Fridge Phonics™. We can practice spelling more than 325 three-letter words. It doesn't recognize the word Sex but Gun is ok.

5. Tomy Gearation. The clicking whir of the gears makes my head spin even without my current inner ear infection.

6. Strawberry Shortcake cell phone. This pink phone evenly spaces out phases by Angel Cake, Ginger Snap and of course Miss Shortcake so that your toddler can carry on conversations. Pictured below is a 1 year old Strawberry on an urgent call.

7. Fisher-Price Little People® Sweet Sounds Home™ and Animal Sounds Farm™. The farmer hammers his thumb. That one never gets old.

8. Fisher-Price Roll-a-Rounds™ Jungle Friends Treehouse™. The balls alone are a racket, drowning out the ten lively tunes.

9. Dora the Explorer: Swiper, No Swiping! Book. It has a built in recorder. Strawberry thinks it is fun to record herself screaming as loud as she can and then listen to her recording over and over.

10. Fisher-Price Corn Popper™ - This toy has been around since 1957. We have a retro style action popper thanks to the MIL's garage sale addiction.

11. Little Tikes Goofy Giggles™ Remote Control. This one is popular with the cat too.

12. Fun Years Cash Register. The beeping, dinging and the bells for the credit card are unbearable. We seem to be teaching toddlers how to rack up their credit card a little young.

13. Musical instruments such as a recorder, harmonica, tamborine, maracas and bongo drums. If there is going to be this much noise, we might as well encourage the next popular family musical group.

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28 Singing the blues:

bubandpie said...

I bought the Word Whammer - twice - but it was dysfunctional, kept telling us that "K" was "T" and "S" was "D" (how the hell is that supposed to teach my baby phonics?). A lucky escape...

Carmen said...

I'd never thought about that! I guess it's like when people buy my cat a jingly cat toy, and he plays with it at 3 a.m. Now I'm prepared for the next baby shower!

Mrs. Chicky said...

We have the Little People house. The sound of the flushing toilet never gets old.

Well, it gets old for me but apparently not for Chicky Baby. Flush. Flush. Flush. Gah!

Geggie said...

I have a freind who is a pediatric physical therapist. She says her favorite tool is tape. She tapes right over the speakers on most toys. They're much quieter that way!

kittenpie said...

Jeez, I just don't put the batteries in most of these. The Fisher Price farm was fine without batteries when I was a kid... We do have one sister-in-law who I love, but she always gets Pumpkinpie noisy toys - so now we've made our point by threatening that if she ever had a kid, we're getting it a trumpet and a drum kit.

Kailani said...

I would like to add The Wiggles Guitar. It only plays in 1 set volume ~ LOUD! I had to put tape over the speaker to quiet it a little.

Mommy off the Record said...

We JUST bought a corn popper and I was totally debating on whether we should buy it. I KNOW it's going to be completely annoying and that I'll regret it, but it brought back memories of my childhood so I got it anyway. Still, something tells me it will end up in the closet soon enough.

Lifecruiser said...

I'm now enjoying our QUIET and peaceful home even more :-)

TLC said...

I am so happy my youngest is going on 5! I have sneakily pulled most of the battery-operated stuff, except for the Leap Pads. I so HATE battery-operated anything. Really, what ever happened to actual kids who make their own noises? We used to call that imagination!

The funniest toy we have here is Blue's Planet Song toy. It has no off button, so in the middle of the night, if a cat steps on it, the song plays. It is hilarious though to hear, "And URANUS spins on its side!" sounds like a personal problem to me!

Sunshine Scribe said...

We had the cash register. Migraine in the making and, yes, a little too young for the commerce of credit cards. I started taking the batteries out of the noisey toys he got and just telling him the batteries ran out. Then for ages, when he was younger, if anything didn't work - even a shovel or the zipper on my purse he'd say "the batteries ran out mommy".

Marcie said...

I love that picture of Strawberry on the phone. It looks like she's taking a very important call.
We have the Fisher Price farm and I think it's haunted since I hear the pig oinking in the middle of the night when no else is awake. We also have the infamous red Teletubbie who says "bite my butt" and makes Homophobic slurs.

Nancy said...

That pic is so cute. I so remember noisy toys when the kids were little. The best thing about older kids: IPODS! LOL!

mama_tulip said...

LMAO. I love this. And god, can I ever relate.

chelle said...

hehehe since we are so far from home, Grandparents and the like just send us money so we have like no noisy toys!!!

Andrea said...

Our solution? When the batteries run out, we don't always replace them. Soon, he forgets the toy made noise. I'd rather him use his imagination anyway and make the firetruck siren with his mouth.

Her Bad Mother said...

Nooooo.

Is there any way of avoiding this? Oh god my head will not be handle it.

(Just tired today. Am waiting for tomorrow, when I expect to feel more capable of motherhood. Then, will be able to discuss batery-operated toys without hyperventilating.)

Chantal said...

As a parent the first thing I learned was to always give silent gifts!

Nicole said...

I agree, the WIggles toys are terribly loud and annoying. THat's why I sold ours on ebay. And, the kids never noticed.

The Dora kitchen telephone is quite annoying, too. Same three calls over and over and over. And, it always seems to be for me.

Deb said...

I bought my granddaughter an Elmo that sings the Sesame Street theme song in both English and in Spanish. When she's visiting, that thing is constantly on. She can't get enough of it. Our dogs toys are nosier, though. The squeaking...ohhh the squaking! it hurts my brain!

Shan said...

We have Beunos Noches Dora who talks and sings. My older daughter knows how many times to hit her stomach to bypass all the incessant chatting and get right to the "Say Good-night" song. Once she was in bed we'd hear thump, thump, thump. "Say-goodniiii-iiight, buenos noches" over and over. My husband and I cheered the day her baby sister came home and she decided to give Goodnight Dora to the baby.

She also has a child sized drumkit, guitar and recorder. She will often have her pre-school friends over for some jam sessions.

cameo said...

noisey things elevate my blood pressure. except me, of course. i'm the loudest thing i know. maybe that's why.

MrsFortune said...

Man, what I hate is when the dog steps on one of the noise maker buttons, and all of a sudden you hear the noise but you know the kids are in bed or whatever, it totally freaks me out! And as usual, it's all Dora's fault.

Naomi said...

Somehow the corn popper noise is SO MUCH more preferable to the battery operated stuff.

I mean really. Why do stuffed animals need batteries? Why do they need to make sounds? What if the child wants the duck to moo one day...if it only quacks, it stifles that childhood creativity.

We have one that I especially hate...the fisher price dog. Wow, is that annoying.

Give me puzzles, blocks and a ball anytime. No batteries!!

lildb said...

we have some friends who gave us a noise toy for the babe at xmas, and who confessed, *to our faces*, that they'd done it to torture us.

ha ha ha.

did I mention, we're not v. good friends with them anymore?

also, they suck?

also, I have no patience for anything, let alone practical jokes that are far from funny?

and that they're bastard people?

okay. my hostile takeover of your comments is through. ick.

Izzy said...

We do that tape on the toy speaker thing, too. My house is also a giant toy box and it's starting to drive me NUTS!

Lena said...

I really prefer to just remove the batteries and then keep repeating "Oh no! It's broken" as she bangs on it. Is that wrong?

Mother Bumper said...

Can I just say that the picture of Strawberry on an urgent call made me laugh and gush cuteness (which means I dragged Bump Daddy over to see it). I'm trying to pretend we aren't being overrun by toys andthankfully we haven't got any noisy ones. Yet.

J's Mommy said...

I will be sure to avoid each and every one of those toys!!