Friday, July 28, 2006


I look at the quaint shops near the house that we first bid on and imagine my life if our offer would have gone through. I can picture taking the girls to the cozy café, stopping to pick up some sunflowers from the market before we stroll back home. Every time I pass through this area, my thoughts always go in this direction. Today these thoughts started to multiply.

Imagine if I chose a different career path. How things would be different if Colin had been ready to settle down earlier in our relationship. What if I had ended up with someone else? If I had moved to the west coast instead of heading east at the ripe age of twenty. Those were my big choices.

But then I wonder about the little things that bring about fate. If I drove a different way to work. If I decided to eat a salad instead of fast food. If I talked to that person while waiting in line. If I coloured my hair blonde instead of auburn. Would I be happier?

My mind ventures off in endless infinity in wondering if I had been born in a different country; given a different name; lived during another era. Would I be the same person in my heart and mind?

I have always told myself to live without regrets. I just hate when the decisions seem to be made for me. Other people's decisions will of course play a big part of our lives because we don't live in a bubble. When life feels out of my hands and I have no control, a series of these outcomes can leave me in a slump. I become aware of a desperate desire to regroup and make a big decision to realign the course of my life. The problem is that I need to make a few big decisions and I feel rather overwhelmed. It is easier to keep coasting hoping that the butterfly effect will right every wrong. However that is just not my style. I think I've reached the point where I have to take action so I must try to start somewhere and stop imagining.

13 Singing the blues:

Andrea said...

I hope with each big decision you must make, you feel as if you're regaining some control over your direction. Good luck to you!

metro mama said...

Personally, I find it better to bite the bullet and make those big decisions than to put them off.

The ones that were the hardest to make at the time are the ones that I look back on and think, "thank god I did that".

Good luck.

tania (urban_mommy) said...

Sounds like you are almost there. Start somewhere, one decision at a time. I agree with Metro Mama - dealing with the tough stuff feels great in the end. No pain, no gain, right?

More good luck!

bubandpie said...

Oh my goodness, this is exactly what I've been feeling lately. I posted about this yesterday - what if I had gone to law school? And I was thinking this morning, what would my life be like now if I'd gotten one of the tenure-track jobs I interviewed for in Ottawa or Victoria? My life would be so very different - I'd be far away from family and friends, though I'd probably have new friends (though not necessarily - it isn't easy to rebuild a network of close friends at this stage). I'd be working harder, and differently (more research, less teaching). Would I be happier or not? I really don't know.

I heart the blogosphere, though! - so good to read my own thoughts in someone else's words.

lildb said...

wherever/whatever those demands are, I feel confident that you'll choose wisely. you're such a capable, intelligent woman, J.

Sunshine Scribe said...

I have a whole "sliding doors" post in draft form. But you have said it so much better ... boy do I hear you.

I have a feeling that whatever choice you make at this crossroads of giant decisions it will be the right one. Look at all the wonderful results of your past decisions. Hang in there my friend. You are the best.

chelle said...

I often reflect on life decisions. I am following husband's dream, so I feel like a lot of my choices are made for me. However, it all seems to come around full circle. For all the choices I have made for me, I have choices I have to make. Sometimes making the most out of a choice is the hardest part.

You are going to rock at your choices ... Never really wrong choices ... just different paths.

petite gourmand said...

I often feel the same way.
especially lately when it comes to:
what if I was born in a different country?
What did I do in a past life to get so lucky?
(though I might not be feeling this way in mid January...)
Fate is a wondrous thing.

Ruth Dynamite said... Choices. Fate, even.

Trust yourself to make the right choices, and then you can't help but have no regrets.

Mrs. Chicky said...

Ah, it figures. Sandra got the to "Sliding Doors" reference before I could. I live and die by that movie and I believe in the smallest instances that can alter our lives completely.

But some occassions call for action and not for divine intervention. May your actions be sure and right.

cameo said...

i'm with you on this one.

Mama C-ta said...

I have a feeling you will be making the right decisions.

kittenpie said...

ooh, have you been talking to Sunshine?
We're on the cusp of starting some new things here, and it is exciting, though stresses me out with the "what ifs" too.