Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Good Husband/Wanted Man

(Hey it's me niloc. Check it out! I'm no longer a guest.)

I’m on the lam!

I am not a criminal. I didn’t wake up this morning and say: “This is it! Today I’m going to become a fugitive!”

After a typically long day I’m the one who picks up the girls from daycare. I fight rush hour traffic and seek the refuge of our little home. Today though I also had an assignment. I had to stop by a Post Office that was in the back of a store to pick up a package for the wife. We had received the notice in our mailbox the day before and since it’s on the way home for me, I was asked to tackle the job.

After I pick up the girls I find the store and park illegally. I tell the girls to sit tight and that I’ll be right back. I know it’s a big no no but I could see them from the store and this would only take a minute. I run inside and hand them the notice. They find it and ask for my ID. I hand over my Driver’s License. Both of the addresses match so no problem right? The guy behind the counter asks me who the package is addressed to. I say my wife. He then points out that her last name does not match mine therefore he could not give me the package. I look at him. wtf? I have picked up packages for her there before and have never had an issue. He repeats himself. I am sorry but your names do not match. My mind races. What is this? The 1940’s? Women these days don’t always change their name. Jana did add my surname (she now has five names) but she still goes by her maiden name in regards to work and other things. I repeat myself. She’s my wife! The package is a couple of pairs of leggings for our girls. The address on my ID matches the address on the package perfectly. What’s the issue? He goes on about something totally stupid but I’m thinking out the situation. The girls are in the car. I’m in a hurry. I am given a simple task by the wife and I am somehow failing that task. I want to get home and be done with this. I would like nothing more than to scream vile obscenities at this civil servant for being ignorant over some trivial detail. I am still talking in a calm tone and have a gentle demeanor.

He then goes on saying that my wife will have to pick up the package… but that’s why I’m here. Jana works later than I do and she would never make it. Further proof that I’m failing this simple task. We all live busy lives. To have to repeat this task in some manner somehow was unacceptable. And that’s when I calmly lost it. I took the package out of his hands and said "Thank You!" I didn’t run for the door. I slowly turned and started walking away. He said I can’t do that. He also added that he was calling the police. I offered to stand there and wait for them in some useless attempt to sound self righteous. He repeated himself about calling the cops and that he had my address. He held up the little notice that was left at our door the previous day. I asked him… "The same address that’s on my Driver’s License?" He stood there failing to grasp the humour of it so I continued my way out of the store.

Now I know my mistake the second I made it. Falling back on me being tired, frustrated and hurried or whatever does not justify me taking the package no matter how gentle I took it from his hands. I did something I’m not proud of. I have even gone through the stress of regretting it and wondering what I’ve gotten myself into. Jana got home and quickly pointed out that there was $8.23 owing. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about with the cops showing up because I nabbed the package. Now I can also get pegged for theft under $100.00 (Do they even have that charge anymore? Or have they simply raised the limit to under $1000.00?) I have this image of Cliff Claven lecturing me on the seriousness of my offence and that the mail is a Federal Issue not to be taken lightly.

So now Jana is going to swing by there tomorrow morning to try and straighten things out. Who knows… maybe they just let the issue drop. The only problem with that is the $8.23 that’s owed is for Customs. Maybe the cops are too swamped with priority cases and will be knocking at the door at 3 AM. I don’t know but this is all crazy for something as insignificant as improper ID or being a stickler for detail. I don’t even know if I’ve managed to convey the frustration properly. Until then I’m on the lam from the law.

I can’t believe I’m getting bailed out by Jana.

18 Singing the blues:

ali said...

this is the best story i've heard in ages!!
(it's even better than the lady who farted on a plane and she lit a match to drown out the smell and they had to land the plane!!)

Mother Bumper said...

wow - I would have totally done the same thing... Really now, I doubt they will do anything about it but I'd so be thinking about it at 3am when too wired on coffee and paranoia is playing tricks on my mind. Props to stickin' it to the man, Niloc. We parent bloggers will create an underground hiding network for you if need be.

something blue said...

UPDATE:

I arrived to pay for the stolen package. I waited in line watching the man working the store Post Office turn away two other people from picking up their packages.

When it was my turn I apologized on behalf of my husband and explained that I had returned to pay for the package. He wouldn't take my money and I had to wait for the police to show up.

They arrived saying they were there about a robbery. I explained that it was in regards to a package that my husband had taken and that I was there to pay for it. Right away they thought the problem was solved but the gentleman working the Post Office explained his position. This was to press as many charges and file every grievance possible against Colin.

We each gave our side of the story. Eventually I was allowed to pay for the package. I apologized profusely and tried to be as cooperative as possible. The officers were putting the fear in me probably for the benefit of the Post Office owner. Either way I felt horrible and was so upset I was shaking.

After I left the police stayed there to reason with man. Colin got a phone call to let him know that no charges were being pressed. Whew!

All that for BabyLegs!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Colin, you're such a dangerous man! No wonder Jana loves you. Dangerous men are sexy.

Heather said...

Glad to hear it all worked out. I find it so annoying to deal with people who can't figure out my husband's name is different than mine.

(and if you're still curious it would be theft under $5000 (s. 334), they'd likely lay a possession of property obtained by crime under $5000 (s.354) charge, and possibly a theft of mail charge which would be the worst of the three - since it's a straight indictable offense carrying up to 10 years)

Wendy said...

Colin, you little rebel! I don't blame you for loosing your patience. Glad it all worked out in the end. I would have left Kirk fend for himself (J.K!)

mamatulip said...

You know, I'm not surprised the Post Office clerk did that. I'll never forget the day I tried to get a very important letter addressed to my mother at the PO. My mom was in the hospital and couldn't get the letter but had written a letter giving me permission to pick up the letter for her and had given me several pieces of her ID to take with me so they could compare her signatures. Our surnames were the same, as were our addresses...heck, we even looked alike in our license pictures, and they still wouldn't give it to me. I was FURIOUS, absolutely FURIOUS.

Even though I know it turned into kind of a big deal and it stressed you both out a bit, I gotta say, Colin, you are my hero. I would have been so tempted to take the package from him too...but I don't have the balls. Literally. ;)

I'm so glad everything worked out in the end.

Totally off-topic, but this is driving me crazy. How come, with Blogger blogs that are now in beta, my name comes up in black? How does someone like ali, who has her own dot com, get her name to come up as a link? Can someone please point me in the right direction? Pretty please? With sugar on top?

chelle said...

awwww I can't believe they gave you both such a hard time. It is way too bad we cannot choose our postal outlet!!!

I am so glad everything worked out!

Colin owes you one eh??!?!? hehe!

crazymumma said...

You must go to the same post office in the back of a store I do....Great story, I wish I had had the courage you had soooo many times!

ps...i am glad I can comment! I usually have alot of trouble commenting here.

Pattie said...

Sounds like that postal worker needs a new line of work...let's say as the "soup nazi" for example.

Geez, what a hassle. What would have been really funny is if you broke open the package right in front of him, put the leggings on, and danced your heart out singing "He's a maniac! Maniac...on the floor...." all while doing your best Jennifer Beals impression. Wow, does that song bring back some memories from the 80's....heheheh....anyway, I am glad to hear it is all straightened out. :)

Lisa b said...

that's hilarious!
I'm hoping customs has better things to do and you don't end up in the slammer over christmas

niloc said...

well, as Jana stated it was all taken care of. the cops talked the guy into dropping the charges even though he did file a report with Canada Post. the officer who contacted me said this was a stupid matter and i agreed with him. i apologized and acted like a good, repentant mail thief. the officer also pointed out I had a very wise and caring wife.

as Heather pointed out the worse charge that i would have gotten was Mail Theft. it's one of those special charges that automatically gets you tossed into jail for the night and you have to wait for an arraignment the next day. i had no idea how close i was to having a record. from now on Jana is going to stick with UPS.

penelopeto said...

as they say, no good deed goes unpunished!

sorry i'm laughing - this is so totally something that would happen to me.

ali said...

mamatulip...blogger sucks balls. i don't know why you aren't coming up all linky.

Jenifer said...

Dude.... the mail's like....sacred. You angred the postal gods!!

sunshine scribe said...

Um .. you messed with a postal clerk?!?! Have you never heard of "going postal"? Brave, brave man.

So glad Jana saved the day ... her something blue super girl costume is so fitting ... did she wear it?

Derek said...

Smooth move ex lax! I so see you doing this. I am surprised he didn't call the cops - he might of already and they just haven't gotten around to charge you yet - enjoy! and let me know if you need me to bail you out.
p.s. We're the tights worth it?

metro mama said...

This is hilarious - something I would do.

Kudos to Jana for keeping her cool!