Pour

Three fingertip bruises contradict the words that shattered my heart.

It wasn’t hard falling for you. I felt drawn in. The force of that pull was more than I could have imagined. And you were always there. With each word, I grew stronger and pinned my hopes a little higher. I felt connected on every level, sharing so many of the same ideals and values.

Maybe I was just a place holder that was filling your need for attention through the wires. Maybe I built meaning into things that were never there.

We were always closer when we were further apart. The moments that brought us together, you tended to shy away. I should have used that to open my eyes to the truth. Except something was different in March. The way that you looked at me, my soul felt exposed.

I wanted more and I needed it to be real. I needed this to be different than my history. To know that it is not is a little more than I can endure. I can’t keep giving my heart to those that don’t want it. So now I will take the sturdiest of bricks and create a fortress. I’m going to lock myself in there because I can’t allow for me to continue on this way.

Beauty

I only hope that the things that she has seen don't ruin her chance for happiness. Six was too early to learn so many of the reasons that make life unfair. In three days she will turn seven. I have to reach deep within to find the strength to undue the damage. She deserves that.

Something in the way

Reason.
There is no winning with her.
Her hands tied behind her back
Still she has the upper advantage.
My hands are tied.
Bound.
With stern necessity she carries her song.
Sweetly, like an angel, singing of truth
Wisdom echoes, ringing clear.
My heart argues to no avail.
She won’t have any of it.
Yet Reason can’t make it stop.
My heart swells and swoons.
It bursts.
It breaks.
With Reason ridiculing every beat.
And if you were to hold me in your arms,
Safe
Reason would all but disappear.

Canada's Next Top Models

They are naturals. Maybe I can soon be a lady who lunches after all.

Believe

Strawberry hears her streetwise best friend tell her truths but her heart wants to let her accept childhood wonders. This was the first holiday that she began to question.

"The Easter Bunny, Santa and the Tooth Fairy don't really exist. It's just our parents?" her tone wavers into a question.

I ask her if that's what she truly thinks. I try to gracefully answer her question with a question. "How could I possibly be all those things? I'm just a mom."


This morning they woke only a couple hours after I had fallen asleep. Buttercup had struggled all night with bad dreams. Her whimpers and subconscious cries kept me awake. Still she bounced out of bed with four year old eager excitement to see what the bunny had brought. A sleepy older sister followed her.

Trails of shiny, foil covered chocolate eggs led to baskets of candy, new dresses, a movie, a CD.


They settled into peeling off the paper, unwrapping their sweets when Strawberry found her truth.

“Mom, I know there is an Easter Bunny! You couldn't possibly have got us all this stuff last night.”

"You're right. The stores were closed when the Easter Bunny came to our house.”

The little sister wisely piped in, “But you could have just got all this stuff earlier.”

I kissed the top of her head and told her she's way too smart. They were happy and content. Then we danced...

Sleepdriving away

Sitting on the ledge. Praying to be pushed over.
Drained by the sad songs that make my heart ache fiercely.
Surprised by reactions.
Stronger than I give myself credit for and I hear it in my voice as I comfort my mother.
Anger seeps in from those that hold me dear.
Frozen in fear.
The numbness dissolved by incomprehension makes the darkness intimidating. I will force myself to march or stumble through it.
Scrapes, bruises and blood.
My despondent heart will not go unscathed.

Piece of me

In the excitement of starting our vacation, Strawberry took a tumble down our hardwood stairs. Of course, being a no good, capitalizing mommy blogger, I offered her five bucks to create a scandalous video for your entertainment!



She must have had too many Tim Hortons Iced Capps before her UFC promo spot because she’s talking super quickly. If you can’t make it out, she is saying, "Hey y'all. Would you want a piece of me? I'd like a piece of you! Bop! Daa! Gah! You should see the other guy..."

Money well spent!