Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Impostor

My lack of words is having a negative effect on me. I'm guilty because I haven't written and even more guilt ridden because I have not had the chance to spend time reading all your words. The less I write, the more I feel depressed. I have contemplated the fact that my computer world is taking up too much time and my need for it is all consuming. I have mulled over various theories as to why it has taken on a life of its own which has lead me to feel the need to end it all with a quick press of a delete button. However I've come to the realization that while I'm not as entertaining and brilliant as the people I visit, I do need this outlet. It gives me something that is mine besides playing house, mom and career woman. It makes me feel like me. I can't give that up.

I was lying in bed trying to fall back asleep and more thoughts were spinning out of control. There are many excuses as to why I've been away. First off, Buttercup is teething. She's been battling an extreme fever and has had no regular sleep pattern. It is times like these that remind me of the fact that I am truly lucky to have been blessed with wonderful babies. I don't think I'd last a second if I were in the shoes of a woman who has had to deal constantly with a crying baby.

My mom is visiting us from out west. I love her dearly but she has long ago perfected the art of making me feel horrible about myself. It seems the cleaners didn't do a fantastic job and they only created the illusion of clean. If you move any item that is on my floor, it is easy to discover the fact that dirt lies here. I guess their idea of a thorough clean and mine differ by many degrees.

I hear about the fact that it unacceptable to have the current state of bathroom renovations at least fifty times a day. My mother also makes me feel like a complete failure because of my guilt about the disaster zone I call my bedroom. It is an overwhelming project that I always put off because I figure that it is the only room of the house that no guest should venture in. Of course she gets under my skin because she is correct in her constant nagging but it is not endearing to hear it.

So while I struggle in the fact that I have no time to get anything written, I over think the whole process. I realize that I do edit myself to an extreme and it is likely a major part as to why I'm not happy with the words that end up here. I now wish that I had the freedom to write without worrying about what someone I know will think of me if I am to write... the truth.

It would be incredibly freeing to be able to air all my dirty laundry. I hate feeling like this represents a fake me. An exterior thin shell. I think I will attempt to be bold and write like no one I know is reading this. So if you are a friend or family member please be warned that upcoming information might change the way that you view me. It may be best to stop reading now. I highly recommend visiting a much smarter and funnier woman on my blogroll. Of course if you happen to catch a glimpse of one of my dirty secrets, feel free to gossip among yourselves and then pretend that you never read this.

A side note and promise to all my blogworld Snuffy friends: I am looking forward to catching up with you soon! I can't wait...

21 Singing the blues:

Undercover Angel said...

I hope Buttercup cuts that tooth and starts feeling better soon.

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother. I used to get upset when my mother made comments about my house, or this or that, but now I just don't let it bother me. I just figure she's never going to change, and do my best to ignore and let in one ear and out the other.

I hope things get back to normal for you soon. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Nicole said...

I enjoy reading your blog and have missed you. I think the blog is all about you and it won't work if you do censor yourself. So, write on, girl.

Your mom sounds like my mil. We decided to just listen, nod, and move on. It's much less aggravating that way. As for putting stuff off, there's nothing to be guilty about. You're a busy woman and you'll get to it eventually. Why should it bother your mom so much?

Good luck and hang in there!

Marcie said...

If it's any consolation, I am feeling the same way about blogging. And I would miss your blog if you pushed the delete button!

Pattie the Domesticator said...

I would miss you if you stopped blogging!
I know what you mean though about it taking up too much time. I have cut down significantly. I do just enough to "get my fix" and then I bow out.
I think that everyone needs something for themselves. If this is it for you, than don't give it up.
Also, I know what you mean about not letting everything hang out for fear of hurting someone who might read it. My family and friends read my blog, too so I cannot always complain like I might want to (well, except for yesterday's post...I was majorley pissed at a friend and for the first time I didn't care what she thought).... anyway, sorry for that. We'll still be here reading you like always because, well I like you! :)

mama_tulip said...

Teething is the worst -- I feel your pain. Oliver's only cut two teeth and it's been pretty brutal...and there are so many more left to pop through...hang in there. Oliver loves to suck on wet baby washcloths that I've put in the freezer. Just a thought. :)

And hey, post when you can. Sometimes life gets in the way...but it's all good. ;)

kittenpie said...

I know what you mean about feeling like I am not keeping up - this week has been a bit nuts and I've had the same post up for days. the back of my mind id always going, "Must write new post. Must write new post." Maybe today some time, maybe today. Shut up in there. But yeah, I enjoy it when I have the time for it, so I'll get to it.

Meanwhile, I'm sorry you are having a rough time - pumpkinpie always had fevers and vomited with teething, but usually just for a night or maybe two. Hope Buttercup feels better soon! Just think of the biting ability she's working on... woohoo!

And yeah, relatives in your space always is stressful, even if they are perfectly nice and harmless. My grandfather used to say that houseguests and fish smelled about the same after three days - he was so right. Hang in there! It won't be forever, and then you can armwrestle your man into letting you go out for a night on your own.

Andrea said...

Yes blogs are a great outlet, but they are time consuming, and there are so many good ones it's impossible to keep up with them all. You have to find your balance, and we like what we read enough that we'll still be here, whether you post daily or weekly.

I have to say that I consider the writing truths the best posts, like this one of yours. Would you have normally let some of that information about your mother slip? Would you have voiced your concerns that this blog is just another facade? It's so hard to separate out what we should be saying to keep it real from what we shouldn't say to keep from hurting our friends and families. I've measured my words against whether or not the story belongs to me to tell and how I would react if the same thing were written about me. If the story's not mine or if I would be hurt, I don't post it. My blog isn't a place to air other peoples' truths. I do obsess a bit, but usually I try to turn that magnifying glass back on myself to figure out my own thoughts for obsessing over things.

I hope Buttercup will soon have her teeth and will go back to sleeping. I also hope you find a way to let your mother's criticisms bounce off instead of taking each one like a stab to your dignity. You're a beautiful person, and your mother knows it. She just may not know how to stop being your mother and let you run your household.

cameo said...

i had this same issue with my mom. and then i employeed this tactic - pay careful attention, it worked!

mom: nagging

me: you raised me mom. you need to trust in the job you did and know that i make the right choices.

mom: (silence)

i only had to do this a couple of times. now, i only get those underhanded comments like "what are you going to do with the refridgerator *I!* bought you?" (while i'm showing her the new on i bought) mind you, the fridge in question was purchased 7 years ago from an outlet store!

it never ends. just shifts. don't let it get you down. laugh it off. she's got her issues too!

rhonda said...

Do not put on a fake persona on your blog. It is for you! And if people read it...fabulous.

I think it is great, just do what you do...and hugs for you about everything else!

scarbie doll said...

Dude, we are so going through the same thing right now. I feel like I can't blog and read enough and it gets me down. It can be all-consuming at times and you feel like you're ignoring your family just to get your blog on. Or you feel like you're ignoring your bloggy friends to get your family timeon. Can't win.

You're missed for sure, but life is more important than blogging. Otherwise, there'd be nothing to blog about except other blogs!

Mega Mom said...

I'm totally with Scarbie Doll.

I've found a lot less time for blogging lately. If it weren't for my impending trip to BlogHer and for all of the bloggers I've come to care about, I'd have quit months ago.

I tend to put more of myself into other people's comment sections than my blog b/c of the people reading :)

sweatpantsmom said...

I've been thinking alot lately about blogging as a major time-sucker. And the guilt -OH THE GUILT - over not posting frequently enough and not getting to comment on the gazillion blogs on my blogroll.

It seems to be such a common problem. I'm sure someone will come up with a 12-step program soon.

chelle said...

Ok teething is a horrible process and you have to give yourself slack on that one. I do not have a Mom, but I understand the stress of having a parent in your space too long (my Dad drives me crazy after a while!)

I too do not always type about EVERYTHING in detail. Blogging is cheap therapy for me!

lildb said...

Dude. Duuuuude. You *know* I dig what you're laying down.

I think the secret for this dilemma may lie in remembering that, above all else, this should be a fun endeavor, this blogging business. It should make you laugh, it should make you feel enlightened - it should be a time to shelve the pressures of the day, kinda like a good movie. It *shouldn't* be causing undue strain.

I don't know just *how* to keep it fun, yet; I've only just discovered that first part. I'm kinda formulating a theory about the whole bidness, though, and I'm gonna post about it.

Please don't go anywhere. And don't sugarcoat, man. Keep it real. Come as you are. It's the *you* that we all like.

lildb said...

p.s. I'm so relieved to hear that the babe is okay -- I was getting a little worried, for a minute.

and your mom? pfffft. hang in there. it'll be over soon.

Izzy said...

I agree with lildb. It's supposed to be fun. It's JUST blogging. For realz.

And don't worry about us. We'll still be here :)


And just ignore your mom. You're fabulous!

Mommy off the Record said...

I hear you on the blogging thing. It can be VERY time-consuming. I think the key is to find the balance that is right for you. There is no fricking way I could post every day. That would be too much for me. And I don't expect others to post every single day either--that's what bloglines are for baby. I've got my favorite blogs bloglined (hey, including you!) so that I can check in when there's a new post. So if you want to take a week's vacation, take it! Like Izzy said, we'll still be here.

nonlineargirl said...

It is frustrating to feel like you can't be open on your blog. I imagine most of us started writing with the idea that these were places we could let it all hang out, for the good and bad. In reality that can be hard to do, even when we know it would feel really good. I hope you can get out what you need to. Or even just write for yourself and don't post it. Sometimes the act is important.

Momma Bee said...

How did you get inside my head? :) I could have written so much of this myself at various times, mainly the blogging issue and crying baby issue!

Hang in there...hope it all feels better soon! How long is your mom visiting?

Sunshine Scribe said...

Oh no. I left a long supportive comment yesterday. It was full of lots of good stuff. But it looks like in all my brilliance I must have not hit publish or mistyped the word verification or something. Now I have a 103 degree fever and the worst day in months and I come to see how you are doing (the only blog I checked today) and I find out its been deleted and I am too brain dead to recreate it. Ug. So think of the most supportive thing you could imagine me saying and double it :)

I respect your honesty and candidness in your post. And please don't go 'cause I for one would miss you. Oh And I agree with Izzy ... its JUST blogging :)

J's Mommy said...

I'm so new at this but I still feel sad when I hear fellow mommy bloggers talk about going away. I wish there was a way to make it easier for you to keep writing, but the truth is, I struggle too. I find myself getting annoyed if I don't have time to post or if nothing original comes into my head. But I think what you have to remember is that this is supposed to be fun, to be a positive experience. Don't overthink it. Just write. Screw everyone else and just write! Even if it's just a sentence or two. That's how I feel anyway.